So, this subject has been heavy on my mind lately. Especially this summer. And if you read this and feel I offended you and your size or something
in anyway, its not my intention. I'm just releasing my thoughts. I'm a big girl - and take that anyway you want it. No, I'm not 400 pounds (though some people actually believed me when I said I was 426..?) but I am still pretty hefty. For years I have been ridiculed because of it. I've tried constantly to lose weight in my past, though it wasn't really successful until recently (when I wasn't even trying!).
As I mentioned before, I went to a residential art school. There I met so many different people, and they all accepted me for who I am: Fat, cupcake & unicorn obsessed, "weird" outfits and accessories, and much more. It wasn't up until halfway through my junior year did I begin to be happy with myself - size and all. When senior year hit, I really felt confident because I began to embrace myself and my style. Now, my confidence levels are sky high. Yes, I am still self-conscious in some areas. Yes, I still don't think I'm all "beautiful." And yes, I still can't talk easily to guys I find attractive. But now, I don't mind walking into Wal-Mart with my cupcake headband on, having people stare at my make-up, and going pants-less whenever I feel rather than just at home. I even managed to happily skinny dip with all of my friends. I'm really comfortable in my skin and body now, and I keep getting more and more into it. The only thing I want is to drop a size or two more, and do some toning.
But I find myself going back and forth between Toning Up and Losing It All. For so long I wanted to freely wear a bikini at the beach, and wear short shorts without having somebody, some where, mention my "fat thighs." What kills me is that I am HAPPY being bigger. I love that fact that I can say "I'm plus size" and "I have curves." I love my hips. I love my boobies. I love the butt that has been slowly forming as my thighs shrink. I mean yes, being skinny would be easier. Especially as far as shopping. I hate that to get a good/cute/durable outfit I will probably have to pay like $60. But I'm trying to be a costume designer, it wouldn't hurt to practice by making my own clothes, right? It helps me stay "unique." ;)
I am no longer stuck on "If you're fat, you're ugly." One of the most BEAUTIFUL girls I know is about the size of two of me. Maybe more (I doubt it, but I'm bad with judging things like this). She has a voice to die for, amazing acting skills, kind/huge heart, and so many more great qualities. And she is in love with her size and does not hide it - she is actually like a role model for me.
I think whats killing me is A) Society and the Media and B) The area I live in.
A).
Are we not taught from the very beginning that we need to be skinny? The Jenny Craig commercials actually degrades bigger women in some of their ads. Just really pay attention to some of the things they say and how they attempt to lure you in. The first time I noticed, it really hit me and hurt. All I could think was "Wow, really?" Even with toys. None of us had fat Barbies, did we? Or fat dolls in general? Even the soft body ones had toned up bodies. All of the things sported in front of girls included skinny girls: Modeling, Cheerleading, Dancing/Ballet, and even Acting. Do you know how many people think fat girls can't cheer? I have a bigger friend who was captain of her squad of SKINNY cheerleaders. So many people say fat girls can't do dance. I know an AMAZING dancer that's bigger than me. Hell, I took a ballet/modern class and did better than some of the girls that were in the dance discipline. As far as acting, they never cast bigger girls unless the role was written to be for someone bigger. And that's something else that's killing me. I want, no NEED, to act along with doing make-up and costumes. I have gotten to a point where I want to do movies along with stage acting. I REFUSE to take a part written for a fat girl because they want a skinny girl as their lead. I'll stage backstage. I want a part that's good, and can be for someone fat or skinny. I refuse to conform to what the media thinks will sell better. I don't want my weight to hinder what I roles I get - especially when I know I'm good enough to get almost anything I audition for. And modeling. Look at her:
Tara Lynn. Beautiful and plus size. And as far as I can see (though I could be off) she is not rushing to shed her curves like most other famous plus size women.
Usually when they show "plus size" girls, they show the ones that don't even look it. Yes, she may be bigger than a 6, but still. In my eyes, they are aren't even true plus size. They are like, a different version of it - in a way. They're just curvy, I guess you can say.
B)
I live 20 minutes from a college campus. Ole Miss to be exact. Look at these girls, enough said. I can only compete with them with my brain and personality. This one was short, ha.
Right now, I'm pretty happy with my size. I, of course, am working to get to where I can be truly happy (or as happy as I can get with these thoughts on my mind). I plan on just getting to one goal, and deciding the rest as my future plays out. Size really shouldn't matter, and I hope they stays true for me. But at the moment, I can happily say: I'm plus size and I'm happy.
Thoughts?
Peace, Love, and Crafts,
-Jasmine H.
P.S: Favorite plus size blog -
Curves To Kill
